Puts new meaning to the words "riding bareback"

Another Prom Picture

Hillary's Prom Picture

Hillary had a great Prom thanks to her date, Tom. The girls were all picked up in a white Hummer limo, most impressive. It was funny, all of my neighbors came out of their houses when the limo pulled up. When Hillary came outside they all cheered, it was great! They then went to the Willow Creek Country Club for dinner, then on to prom which was held at the Salt Lake City Library. After the dance the limo took them to one of the boys homes where they watched movies etc. It was a great night for Hillary, something she will never forget. She looked beautiful to boot.

I have devastating news...

I've been avoiding telling everyone my terrible news. I have developed a terrible incurrable disease. Please sit down while I tell you. I have Restless Leg Syndrome. Now, now, don't cry, for I will be brave. I will hold my head up high and no one will know of my suffering. I intend to start a foundation to increase the awareness of this horrible disease. It is my hope that we can prevent this affliction before too many others needlessly suffer. Please feel free to contribute to the foundation.

I apologize to those of you who really have this affliction, it's just too funny to not to make fun of it. Especially when I see those "serious" commercials.

Products I Love

Everytime I went to Costco I saw this and wanted to try it. I LOVE grapefruit, but it seems like too much work (how lazy can I get). I avoided buying it for awhile because I was afraid it would taste like fruit cocktail with some gross heavy syrup. I finally tried it and it is WONDERFUL!!! It tastes just like you went to all the work to section a grapefruit. It's in it's own juice, not a gross syrup. You need to try it! I will warn you, if you have Moore bowels, this can act as a "super colon blow" if you aren't generally a fruit eater like me. I'm clean as a whistle though, I must say.

Reminiscing about non clothing wearing...good times...

I was asked to post my fun naked story of Tom, who has been seen in various stages of undress by most everyone in the family and ward. Most all have heard this story but it's worth repeating. A couple of years ago I painted my living room walls. I had removed the blinds and wanted Tom to put them up, right then. I had been painting for weeks and was DONE and didn't want anything to delay my finished room. I called to Tom to put the blinds back in my living room window as they are too heavy for me to lift and manuever. Now, this window is huge and faces the whole neighborhood. Tom , having just come up from showering in His bathroom downstairs. He had on only a pair of sweat bottoms and was heading upstairs for his underwear. I asked him to please put up the blinds, he said, can't you wait till I get dressed? No I can't - hurry and do it now please! Reluctantly, he says ok. In order to get the blinds up Tom had to stand on the back of the couch, facing out, legs and arms spread eagle to brace himself whilst lifting the blinds in place. Suddenly, without warning, his sweats slide down until he is spread eagle in all his glory facing the whole neighborhood! He begins to yell for me, " LISA, HURRY, PULL MY SWEATS UP!!! HURRY!!" I, of course, am hysterical, and decide that the chances of this happening again are slim to none and I take advantage, and just stand there laughing while he is still hollering. Unless he drops the blinds he can do nothing but stand there with his pickle pressed against the window for all to see. I finally assist him. To this day I don't know if anyone ever saw him, but I might add he's never been called to a scouting position in the ward...

Warning: DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP

Product Warnings: Warning on Stroller: "Remove child before folding. "Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice…On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation! On a tube of Super Glue: Do not use in eyes. Are there that many idiots out there who need this kind of warning? Well....apparently there are. Yesterday I was getting annoyed at my microwave door because the plasic portion below the handle has a crack and hangs below the microwave. In my infinite wisdom I decided to super glue it back to the microwave. Part of the repair required me to glue with the tube pointing up. It wouldn't go up so I shook it. Next thing I know, Super Glue in the eye. I rubbed it quickly as it burned my eye. Now my eye is glued shut. I imagine going to the emergency room and trying to explain my idiocy. It will be featured on Appalachian Emergency Room on Mad TV. Luckily after much work, butter, towels, tongs, knives, spatula's, whisks, and straws I was able to get my eye open and get the glue off my eyelid. I will no longer scoff at the product warning, nor should you, for you might be next to use the blow dryer in the bathtub.

May I have a Lobster Tail to Sample?

I have just found the epitome of cheapness & ridiculousness in a restaurant, which shall remain nameless, lets just call it Led Robster. Yesterday for our weekly "sister lunch" we chose "Led Robster". We love it, Natalie hates it, she wasn't going, hence the decision to choose it. It's Lobster week at the restaurant and they were featuring a Lobster Bisque. Being a huge Lobster fan I wanted to order it, however being a soup snob, I wanted to see it I liked it. I hate over processed fake tasting soups, it angers me to eat it. I asked the waitress if I could get a little taste of it, maybe put a tiny teaspoon in one of the little condiment cups. She looked instantly horrified at my request and said she didn't think she could. I thought maybe she thought I asked for a whole lobster to sample or a whole bowl to eat and then decide, so I repeated my request. I explained I just wanted a tiny bit, just to be sure it wasn't gross. She still looked troubled and said maybe she could just charge us for a cup and we could all share it and see if we liked it, kind of like a appetizer. I said no that wasn't what I wanted and never mind about the apparently "bizarre" request. She said she would ask the manager. I sat and awaited the "verdict" about my shocking request to "sample" the soup. She returned and explained that no, I could not sample the soup. Apparently it's "pre-portioned" out and there is none to spare, they couldn't spare a square or spoon of it. It's amazing, they are clairvoyant and somehow know EXACTLY how much bisque will be ordered each day, dole it out and never is there so much as teaspoon left over. How efficient! I, not wanting upset this delicate balance did not press the issue but took the risk and ordered a cup of the soup instead of salad "with a small 'upcharge' for the substitution". The soup was decent tasting, luckily. Other bizarre incidents ocurred at lunch which I won't bother to post as they had nothing to do with soup samples, but it wasn't a very pleasant lunch I must say. Oh well. PS. the icing on the cake was the "upcharge" of $2.99 for substituting the bisque for the salad. incredible. C'Est La Vie.

Another Tom-ism (viewer discretion - potty talk)

So, we were all watching the Oscars Sunday. Tom tells us that he isn't feeling very well and heads for the bathroom. He stays in there for quite some time while the smell wafting from the bathroom burns the wiskers off my chin. We hear some groans and moans now and then to which I ask, "are you ok?" No response. He comes out finally and throws himself on the couch looking pale-ish. I tell him so, he says, very dramatically, "I nearly passed out in there!" I asked him why, what was wrong with him. He tells us (Hillary and I) in more dramatic detail than I would like, that basically, he took a dump so large and forceful he nearly passed out. Hillary and I laugh hysterically. Tom, who was sure his tale would elicit sympathy, get's super angry and says again, "I nearly passed out!" We laugh even more, not believing he is truly so upset over something so embarrassing! He finally says, "YOU ARE JUST NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY AT ALL!" Sorry Tom, it's true, I have a hard time taking someone who gave birth to an extra large poo and nearly passed out because of it, and who actually tells you, AND wants sympathy over it, seriously.

I look so cute today

There are days when I get all dressed up with cute clothes and hair and I think, dang, I look so cute today!! Then I realize I've been watching Hillary get ready and realize she is the one who looks cute. Then I look in the mirror and say, yep, sure as hell isn't me that's cute. damn.

Turning into a witch

Ok, so am I turning into a witch or am I getting old? I keep getting these witchy prickly hairs on my chin. What the hell is that about? I used to have one in a mole, ok, big deal, now every day I have to check for these cactus quills sticking out of my chin! Some are white and some are dark. Neither is good, black can be seen by anyone and white means old lady (or old man!). Do I dare ask for a chin wax? How humiliating! What if I start getting hairs coming out of my ears and nose like an old man? Then what? Will I have to buy one of those nose hair buzzers? What's next? Warts on my nose? Cackling laughter (wait I think I already have that)? Well I better go, some nice fat children are at my door and I haven't had lunch.

Favorite Tom-isms

Here are my favorite Tom-isms so far:

On being sick... "I'm just not doing very well" (per nat & jim, has he taken a turn for the worse?)

On my job as a wife..."You're just not taking very good care of me"

On why he didn't go to Sacrament Meeting... "I forgot"

On Blogging... "You have a Blog? Only freaks have Blogs!" (takes one to know one)

Pet Peave of the Day

Random thought. Am I the only person in the world who cannot stand mouth noises, i.e. crunching, slurping, smacking etc? Everytime a commercial comes on which involves subjecting me to some disgusting mouth noise I will fly across the room like a ninja to mute the TV. Do ad agencies actually think I will rush to buy a particular cereal because the crunching and slurping was so appetizing? I think not. As I sit here blogging, my dear husband is eating an icecream bar like its Grape Nuts on a stick. How can you possibly crunch a plain icecream bar like that? I just can't see how, everything is soft! He is also slurping it so obnoxiously it sounds like a cow pulling his foot out of the mud. Big pet peave of my life, mouth noises.

Whenever

If I hear another idiot use the word "whenever" in the wrong context again I swear I'll poke someones eyes out!!! An appropriate use of the word would be, "Whenever someone uses the word"whenever" incorrectly, I have a freakin fit." If you want examples of inappropriate use of the word, just watch Judge Judy or Maury Povich. "So whenever my baby mama scratched out my girlfriend eyes..." Or, "Whenever I paid the rent for September, my baby daddy didn't pay none of it." Whenever? Did you scratch her eyes out often enough that you can say, whenever, like it was a daily occurance? Did you pay the rent for September all the time, enough to warrant the phrase, whenever I paid...? What a DS. I actually heard and onsite reporter use the "whenever" word last night, I just couldn't believe it. He said something like, "Whenever the suspect was caught he proclaimed his innocence." I am officially that spinster old school marm, Miss Wilder.

Most Beautiful Baby?

Brief synopsis for those who don't know me, my husband & I adopted a newborn 18 months ago. He is seriously the cutest baby ever! Since I didn't play a part in his creation I feel free to boast about his looks etc. He has huge brown eyes, LONG curling black eyelashes, dark thick hair & great looking light skin which contrasts remarkably with his dark hair and eyes.

Since the day he was born, strangers are always coming up to me telling me how cute he is. No matter where we are he gets so much attention. A few months ago I was at The Dodo restaurant when he caught the eye of a couple of news reporters, one I don't know her name, the other was Allie Mackay. The kept commenting on how cute he was and how they wanted to keep him. I am constantly being told to put him in modeling.

I tell this boastful background information to lead into what happened last weekend. I was at Fashion Place mall and noticed a sign for a Hawaiian Tropics pageant for kids. I thought, OK, it's time to finally get the trophy proclaiming my son as the cutest baby in the world and put other parents in their place. I have to admit I felt quite sorry for those other babies who were already entered, they had no idea they had no chance to win against my cherub. I knew that at minimum he would win "king" in his age division, but truly I knew that most likely he would win "Supreme King". Supreme King is sort of a scam (oh not like the whole pageant thing isn't a scam, but i digress). To win Supreme King you pay an extra amount of money to be entered in optional awards like, best dressed, fabulous face, prettiest eyes, yada yada., only those who entered the optional categories are considered for SK, then the baby wth the highest overall score who is entered in all optionals wins.

So, the day of the pageant arrives, I dress him in his cutest outfit wait calmly for his age division to be called. Before his turn he is cute as pie, clapping and dancing around. They call his number and suddenly he's silent stiff boy. He stares at the audience blankly with his finger in his mouth, no expression whatsoever. In spite of this amazing performance I know he's still the cutest baby on that stage! Awards time arrives, I calmly wait for his huge trophy and accolades so that I can go shopping. He gets called for 2 optional awards (pointless, they mean nothing), then they announce the winners. Announced first are the "Princes", which are the ones who didn't win squat, they are the consellation kids. So Cayden is the 3rd Prince called. I think to myself, I knew it, he's got Supreme King (SK's get the consellation price first, then they get announced as SK). The Kings are named, Cayden isn't called, then the Supreme King is called and it's not Cayden. I sit there for 10 minutes. This just can't be. I am waiting for them to announce the up until now never heard of award, the Super Duper Supreme King award for the cutest baby they've ever seen in the entire Hawaiian Tropics pageant history. It never comes. I finally leave. Cayden won nothing. I am amazed. I am shocked. What kind of world is this? Am I in the twilight Zone where the ugly kids win? Did I accidently enter him in the Ugly Kid pageant?

It's over now, I have learned my lesson. All glory is fleeting. I have been put in my place and been forever humbled. I still think he's the cutest damn baby ever, but I just won't put it to the test.

My Immaturity

I am getting frightened by my immaturity. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel compelled to do things a ten year old boy would do? Yesterday I went to my Podiatrist. On my way out I passed a Physical Therapist office and they had a handicapped button which allows the door to open automatically. I couldn't resist pushing the button and running (waddling) quickly to my car giggling the whole way. I go to the store and go to the toy aisle and find the stick horses which whiney and gallop when you push their ears, I have to push all of their ears as fast as I can and run away listening to a heard of horses and i run away, giggling again. I pass by the employee entrances of stores in the mall on the way to the restroom and notice door bells. I cannot go by without ringing the bell and dashing into the bathroom. Why? Why, when tending my nephew do I take his plastic sword and put it along his bum crack so when he stands up the sword is fused to his crack? I laugh hysterically at myself while he yells at me while trying to get it out. Why do I relish any opportunity to taunt my husband who does NOT think I am funny and has NO sense of humor? Why do pinch his nose or nipple over and over until he gets furious trying to get away and eventually smacks me? I Iaugh and laugh. I need help I am 40 something and should be a adult now. But instead I find myself laughing at the memories as I recall them.