Taking a cue from Mandoo I will blog my trip in little parts. It seems people don't like reading huge posts, so I'll try and minimize it. I said TRY...didn't say I would. Unfortunately I will have little or no pictures of our trip. Why? Because my striking beauty broke the camera? well no, but good guess though. It's because our camera is the size of a brick and no one wants to lug it around. Hint Hint Santa.. Plus I HATE pictures of myself. The last pictures taken of me were at Bonzai for Cayden's birthday and I look like a freakin sumo wrestler with clothes. My eyes are all squinty from my fat mashing them shut. But I digress... the point is, there won't be many pictures.
So, from the beginning. Tom surprised me with a trip to Hawaii for our 25th anniversary. Can you believe it's been 25 years?!! It feels like 50 years. Just kidding. We've now officially crossed the line of being married longer than we were single. Tom chose Hawaii because it's become one of our favorite places. He chose to go to Maui this time because we normally go to the Big Island (Hawaii) or Oahu. He chose this fantatic hotel on Maui, for you Jon & Kate plus eight fans, they recently filmed their "vow renewal" episode at the same hotel. I'll describe the hotel later.
In preparation for a trip I order a swim suit from a fatty gal website. In my mind I'm the largest woman on the planet and order accordingly. I did actually measure myself, but you know, it's hard to measure fat. Especially bosom fat. The guide says to measure around the fullest part of your bosom. So, do I measure from where my bosom CURRENTLY lands or do I twist or roll them up and measure from where they SHOULD be? I tried both, but trying to make you bosoms stay where they should be is an impossible task (remember my description of my mamogram - bosoms slidding off the platform on all sides like soft ozing dough). Then my bum. Do I measure where the biggest part of my bum is now -hanging over the back of my legs or where it should be, a foot higher. Anyhoo, I do the best I can with measurement guessing and order my suit, which based on the reviews of other buyers is, "flattering", "sexy", "got lots of compliments" etc. I have high hopes and my swimsuit arrives. I put it on and...duDA! GH! (good hell) I look like Dumbo's mother! It's HUGE!!!!! That's a first! And sexy? flattering? No, not really. I wonder where these people came from who order from a fatty website and describe themselves in a swimsuit as "sexy". Uh..no. THAT is the ultimate oxymoron. Anyway, the bosom part could fit my whole head in each side. The skirt fell to my knees. Needless to say, I didnt' bring it and now, had so swimsuit for the trip. As in Mandoo's case, no swimsuits to be found, especially a horizontally gifted size. Trip day arrives after much prep and work and no sleep. My dear dear mother arrives to take care of Cayden and for that I am SO grateful!!
Everything goes well and we are on the airplane ready to take off. The seat seems even smaller than I remember and i have a wresting match with the seatbelt. The flight to Seattle is short and goes well, I get my diet coke and peanuts and spend the time trying not to ooze into the aisle., but then we have the flight to maui. Who is aware that Northwest and Delta airlines merged? Well they did. and I hate NW airlines now. Our flight to Maui is 5 hours long and they serve PEPSI!!! Yes, I am SERIOUS! Not only that, no snacks. none. nothing. A cup of ice and a diet poison, I mean pepsi is all we get for 5 hours. You can BUY snacks or a meal (sandwiches are $10, snack size pringles are $3). Isn't that crazy? I am wishing I had packed me some crap to nosh on. I realized at that moment that I am a bored eater. I need something to do while I sit there and eating fills that need. Then to make matters worse, the movie is broken so we can't watch anything. I stupidly brought only books on tape and my headphone breaks so I can't listen to anything. I feel like a caged tiger in a tiny cage and I am ready to freak out. Finally the movie is fixed and it starts and I risk the rath of the rude flight attendants and push the call button. One arrives and doesn't say anything just looks at me with that, "WELL??!!!!! WHAT?!!" I tell them I need pringles and headphones, STAT!! I am able to endure the rest of the flight now. Now I can now say I know what it felt like to be a pioneer because I too, know what it feels like to truly suffer. Can you imagine? PEPSI, NO SNACKS and NO MOVIE (for an hour anyway). Oh the inhumanity of it all. I am glad I endured. On a side note. Why are most flight attendants so rude? I am SO nice to them and they are always rude and snotty and act like you are just interrupting their day. What did they think they would be doing? Did they honestly think the job would be glamorous? Did they imagine they would be just sitting there in first class drinking champagne jetting off to places unknown and getting paid for it? I know it's not a fun job but that IS the job! I did notice something however, on my flight back from Maui I was NOT a happy camper (story later - not that it's much of a story) and I was curt to the flight attendant and she was really nice to me. I think they hate super nice people. Have you noticed that really wealthy people ignore the "help" and say very little to them. I think they expect it. Fine. I'm doing that from now on.
We arrive in Maui and we get our "upgraded" rental car. A chevy van looking thing. Kind of a funny upgrade. What is the first thing everyone does in Hawaii? Costco of course. Costco is right by the freeway and we go there to get crap to snack on in the room. And, as it turns our, our first gourmet meal of the trip. Costco hotdog and a drink. However, it was DIET COKE, the nectar of the Gods and because of that, it was the best meal ever.
So, from the beginning. Tom surprised me with a trip to Hawaii for our 25th anniversary. Can you believe it's been 25 years?!! It feels like 50 years. Just kidding. We've now officially crossed the line of being married longer than we were single. Tom chose Hawaii because it's become one of our favorite places. He chose to go to Maui this time because we normally go to the Big Island (Hawaii) or Oahu. He chose this fantatic hotel on Maui, for you Jon & Kate plus eight fans, they recently filmed their "vow renewal" episode at the same hotel. I'll describe the hotel later.
In preparation for a trip I order a swim suit from a fatty gal website. In my mind I'm the largest woman on the planet and order accordingly. I did actually measure myself, but you know, it's hard to measure fat. Especially bosom fat. The guide says to measure around the fullest part of your bosom. So, do I measure from where my bosom CURRENTLY lands or do I twist or roll them up and measure from where they SHOULD be? I tried both, but trying to make you bosoms stay where they should be is an impossible task (remember my description of my mamogram - bosoms slidding off the platform on all sides like soft ozing dough). Then my bum. Do I measure where the biggest part of my bum is now -hanging over the back of my legs or where it should be, a foot higher. Anyhoo, I do the best I can with measurement guessing and order my suit, which based on the reviews of other buyers is, "flattering", "sexy", "got lots of compliments" etc. I have high hopes and my swimsuit arrives. I put it on and...duDA! GH! (good hell) I look like Dumbo's mother! It's HUGE!!!!! That's a first! And sexy? flattering? No, not really. I wonder where these people came from who order from a fatty website and describe themselves in a swimsuit as "sexy". Uh..no. THAT is the ultimate oxymoron. Anyway, the bosom part could fit my whole head in each side. The skirt fell to my knees. Needless to say, I didnt' bring it and now, had so swimsuit for the trip. As in Mandoo's case, no swimsuits to be found, especially a horizontally gifted size. Trip day arrives after much prep and work and no sleep. My dear dear mother arrives to take care of Cayden and for that I am SO grateful!!
Everything goes well and we are on the airplane ready to take off. The seat seems even smaller than I remember and i have a wresting match with the seatbelt. The flight to Seattle is short and goes well, I get my diet coke and peanuts and spend the time trying not to ooze into the aisle., but then we have the flight to maui. Who is aware that Northwest and Delta airlines merged? Well they did. and I hate NW airlines now. Our flight to Maui is 5 hours long and they serve PEPSI!!! Yes, I am SERIOUS! Not only that, no snacks. none. nothing. A cup of ice and a diet poison, I mean pepsi is all we get for 5 hours. You can BUY snacks or a meal (sandwiches are $10, snack size pringles are $3). Isn't that crazy? I am wishing I had packed me some crap to nosh on. I realized at that moment that I am a bored eater. I need something to do while I sit there and eating fills that need. Then to make matters worse, the movie is broken so we can't watch anything. I stupidly brought only books on tape and my headphone breaks so I can't listen to anything. I feel like a caged tiger in a tiny cage and I am ready to freak out. Finally the movie is fixed and it starts and I risk the rath of the rude flight attendants and push the call button. One arrives and doesn't say anything just looks at me with that, "WELL??!!!!! WHAT?!!" I tell them I need pringles and headphones, STAT!! I am able to endure the rest of the flight now. Now I can now say I know what it felt like to be a pioneer because I too, know what it feels like to truly suffer. Can you imagine? PEPSI, NO SNACKS and NO MOVIE (for an hour anyway). Oh the inhumanity of it all. I am glad I endured. On a side note. Why are most flight attendants so rude? I am SO nice to them and they are always rude and snotty and act like you are just interrupting their day. What did they think they would be doing? Did they honestly think the job would be glamorous? Did they imagine they would be just sitting there in first class drinking champagne jetting off to places unknown and getting paid for it? I know it's not a fun job but that IS the job! I did notice something however, on my flight back from Maui I was NOT a happy camper (story later - not that it's much of a story) and I was curt to the flight attendant and she was really nice to me. I think they hate super nice people. Have you noticed that really wealthy people ignore the "help" and say very little to them. I think they expect it. Fine. I'm doing that from now on.
We arrive in Maui and we get our "upgraded" rental car. A chevy van looking thing. Kind of a funny upgrade. What is the first thing everyone does in Hawaii? Costco of course. Costco is right by the freeway and we go there to get crap to snack on in the room. And, as it turns our, our first gourmet meal of the trip. Costco hotdog and a drink. However, it was DIET COKE, the nectar of the Gods and because of that, it was the best meal ever.
That's all for now because I posted too long already.
