Hawaii -Part 2

Ok Ok I'll finish up. Yes Mandoo, I was pooping out (not literally). It's been more than 10 minutes since I got back from Hawaii. I hope I remember what happened. If not I'll make up a good story to fill the space.

When we last left our heroine, she was drinking diet coke and eating a hot dog at Costco. All good stories start there. Now costco is basically the same everywhere except for a few added touches and products that are unique to that area. Hawaii has macadamia nuts in EVERY form. Plain, garlic, coffee coated, chocolate covered, plain, organic (what are non-organic macadamia nuts? plastic?), in tarts, pies, soap and so on. We bought a few to snack on in the hotel room and a keg for my Mom who really loves them and doesn't want to share (ask her about camping). We just pretend we bought them off an authentic hawaiian macadamia nut roadside stand, hand grown and roasted by natives sprinkled with hawaiian sea salt. You know what else they have that's unique to a hawaiian costco? Sushi and Sashimi in the ready to eat section. Super freaky. The sushi isn't really unique but the sashimi is. It was only about $13 for a styro container of Ahi or Salmon with soy sauce and wasabi. I should have had it instead of a damn hotdog. I have a picture of it when I decide to get my brick i mean camera and download it. Just for fun I put an ENORMOUS jug of vodka or some sort of drink in my cart while Tom was wandering just to see what he would do. I swear it was like a 5 gallon jug. So Tom came back, casually glanced at my cart and said mildly and said "why do you have that?" He acted like I it was just another of Lisa's one way trip to hell purchases, like I do this all the time. He's no fun. Next time it's crack! I put it back.

Our hotel was amazing. Seriously. It was way worth it to have Tom write a letter to tell them it was our 25th anniversary. They upgraded us to the concierge towers where they serve breakfast, afternoon snacks and horseovaries in the evening, complimentary. Our room has a beautiful view of the ocean with a big deck. The windows were covered in sliding plantation shutter doors that slide so you have have all the windows open with the ocean view. the entire wall is floor to ceiling windows. We had big flat screen tv which was awesome because even though it's our anniversary, after 2 minutes it's like, well ok, should we see what's on TV? They gave us a big bottle of champagne. I took a bath in it. speaking of a bath, holy crap on a cracker the bathroom was nice! It was way bigger than my bathroom at home and was made of coral marble with an enormous neck deep tub. I think I took at least 2 baths a day in that thing. I alway took a bath with my diet coke in a wine goblet. super fun ambience.

When we got to the hotel and the little bellboy is showing us every nook and cranny and explaining it to ensure a fabulous tip. He shouldn't waste his time, Tom, love him, but he not mister generous in the tip area. A shiny quarter in it for ya if you drag all our bags upstairs. Just kidding.. sort of. Anyway, I was SO freakin tired I just wanted him to leave! I know how the faucets work! I know how to use a hanger, get the heck out of here! Finally to sleep. The bed has a feather bed and it was way comfortable. The next morning I was ready to go. First, we go to our complimentary breakfast buffets for us rich folk. I wore my flip flops to show I could mingle with the best of em. Breakfast awesome! Birds? Sickening. For those who don't know, I HATE birds, they're kind of like bats, flapping about it sickens me. So in hawaii, they just let the damn things fly around your tables begging for food. shudder. yes they were tiny and cuteish looking but gross. ew. shudder.

We head off the return our stupid van because it isn't working correctly and guess what, the upgrade we'd hoped for, RED MUSTANG COVERTIBLE, no additional cost!! Yeah Baby! I thought I'd hate a convertible because I hate the wind blowing my hair in my face. But it was the best thing ever. I'd recommend never going to hawaii unless you rent a convertible. My hair blew around and I looked like Ursula the seawitch on The Little mermaid most of the time, but who cared, I had a damn convertible and you don't! I went to buy a swimsuit that fit. I asked around to see who sold "fatty" suits and found a place who had 2 fatty sized swimsuits left. I told her I would try it on even though their fatty sizes were still too small. She hesitated but acted like there was no way it was going to work but, it did and I bought it and I really like it actually.

We goofed off the rest of the day, sitting by the pool and ordering diet cokes which cost $5 each. We wandered on the beach for awhile. I just love watching the ocean, I could do it forever. Most of you also know I have a terrible fear of tidal waves or tsunami's whatever they're called. So the whole time I'm looking at the ocean for a sign (I know them all, recessed ocean etc.) I have my game plan, what I'm going to do in case of a tsunami. I also watch the waves knowing that next one is gonna be 50 feet high and I'm ready to run (waddle) to higher ground. Nothing happens. good.

The next day we did the road to Hana. Now if you dont' know what this is, it's a super scenic road that goes along the coastline and is about 45 miles long and takes all day to drive it. The road is nothing but hairpin turns and you can't drive over about 15 miles an hour. The scenery is so pretty. You expect to see gorillas leaping down the mountain or terydactyls (sp?) flying around it's so jurassic park. We stopped at this little recommended lunch counter to buy our picnic lunch and get a CD which guides you along the way and tells you where to stop and see this sight or that waterfall. We were ripped off royally. They saw us coming. It cost $45 for our sandwichs, crappy CD and a stupid foil bag to put our sandwiches in. Oh well. Now, first let me tell you. I don't have a lot of patience with my dear hubby sometimes and I can be sort of..."unpleasant" sometimes. Yes, I know, it's a shock, but seriously I can be screetchy, like some big ostrich pecking and screetching. (shut up sisters I am such a sweet gentle person all the time) But I was determined to shut my mouth and be an angel the whole trip (it damn near killed me but I almost did it!). The first stop was twin falls. Now I was under the mistaken impression this was a scenic little jaunt where you get out of your car, wander over and peak and whatever landmark was on the map. Not the case my friend. We get to the spot and the locals are selling grass hats for $100 bucks or something like that. We start walking on the trail, even holding hands for a second (gross). And we walk. and walk. and walk. higher and higher. I'm wearing flip flops mind you. and we keep walking. I'm dripping sweat and my voice dripping with honey, "oh I'll be just fine! no really, I'll keep going" (I'm gonna freakin punch someone in the face in about 2 seconds if we don't get to the freakin falls NOW). and walk and walk AND WALK AND WALK AND WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 30 minutes later we find the "falls". I'm nearly dead, sweaty and stinky, but sweet as sugar pie. Yes, honey lamb sugar lips I'm just fine. What's that kitten whiskers? Oh no, it was FUN! Seriously, let's do it again! (come near me and I'll rip your lips right off your face and throw them off these stupid falls!). We get near the falls and have to wade in the water to get to them and I kept sliding around and nearly falling and my shoes come off and go down the river, oh it was fun. Anyhoo, got that crap overwith, back down the damn trail. Wasn't it special angel puddin? yes it was. We stopped for lunch an hour later at this park that was full of cats. Isn't that weird? Ferral cats all wandering around. We only made it half way on the road to Hana because we got carsick. Oh well. Then we went to a movie. Mister cheap pants said he "wasn't hungry" and just wanted a light salad. Pansy. We went to his favorite place by BYU called L & L Hawaiian BBQ. I may look like I'm not picky, but I am and this place is gross to me. But he enjoyed it.

Next day was Saturday, we'd already been there for 2 days and we were leaving on Sunday, it was too short. I have no idea what we did. I'm sure it was fun. Tom wanted italian for dinner so I found a place on the map and we headed off. We came to the area where it was and I couldn't find it. I was on the phone with Hillary while we drove around finally we came around the corner in this strip mall and there were a bunch of cops standing around their car talking. Tom ripped around the corner and drove over the median and scraped the crap out of the bottom of the car and then dropped off the side for a bone rattling BANG. That's when "Bubbles, the southern sweet belle" disappeared and Hebsiba the seawitch appeared, "GOOD HELL TOM! WHAT IN THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING? YOU DROVE OVER THE CURB! SQWACK SQWACK..." No more words during dinner. When we got back to the hotel he told me to apologize for being mean. Ok. I'm sorry you didn't pay attention and drove over the curb. Other than that I was a perfect angel the whole trip.

Then sunday we had to leave! But we had all day to do things because we took the red-eye home. First, even though I tried to find things to buy, but unless I wanted something that involved swimming, puka shells, macadamia nuts or hawaiian shirts I was SOL. If I could do it again I'd never take the red-eye. You have the whole day, but you can't go back to your hotel because you're checked out. So you can't swim, you just wander. By then you are just ready to go. The flight home was nightmare trip part deux. We flew from Maui to Kona to Seattle then home. The flight to Kona was delayed by at least an hour but no biggie, we have a 3 hour layover in seattle. We get on the plan and I ask for a belt extender - yeah I'm that fat. I can get the belt on but it's snug. I got brave and asked for one. The flight attendant says she'll send someone down with it. so once everyone has boarded and a crew member comes over to me and says loudly, "are you the one who wanted the belt extender?" try to be cool. "yeah" "well if you're in an exit row and can't get the belt on without one we'll have to move you" Ok embarrassment beyond belief. OH no I'm fine, I got it on! I could have died. Anyway the rest of the flights home were a repeat of the flights there so I won't repeat it. We made it home and I was so happy to see the kids. Cayden was so happy to see us. He hugged me and said, "now it's like it was before, our family together". It was a really fun trip and I wish I could go again. But, sigh, not for awhile!