A Star is Born

Recently I had to complete a "Sister Spotlight" paper for Relief Society. It was in form of questions and one of them was "what is your most embarrassing moment" and another, "funny childhood moment". Well I sincerely could write forever about both, but decided to combine the two so they wouldn't have to do a Sister Spotlight "book". I decided my story made a good blog post because...well because my well seems to have run dry and I need material. The events are as I recall and my Mother may have her own version. There's also a possibility, knowing myself as I do, it's probably been embellished in my mind over time. Anyhoo, here goes... - one of this days I'll get a scanner and post actual pics about the events I describe.

My most embarrassing childhood moment was actually beyond embarrasing for my Mom. When I was 9 years old we lived in St. George. My Dad had opened a motorcycle shop of his own and we lived down the street, across from a park, well it was actually a cemetary but we kids didn't really notice the difference (good grief). Signs were posted around town about the upcoming big Kawanis Club talent show and I decided to enter, without permission. It didn't occur to me that entering a talent show should most likely involve some sort of talent & costume, and probably hours of practice. So the day of the show arrived and I informed my mother about it knowing she would be so thrilled and would want to come watch me. As I mentioned, I had no talent whatsover but had learned a simple tap dance when I was 5 years old to the music, The Candy Man, by Sammy Davis Jr. I didn't have the music so searched every store in town to find it, to no avail. However, as luck would have it, I found an old Bobby Goldsboro record in the garage and decided the song Little Green Apples. *UPDATE - I remember now, the song was "Sal and Sally" (Sal and Sally bought a house in the valley...super slow.......) was close enough. The fact that it was a fairly slow ballad apparently didn't concern me. So the night came, my Mom sat in the audience (thank goodness for my Father's sake he had to work) and the show began. The girl before me had this beautiful white professional dance costume complete with fishnet stockings and a beautiful ballet routine. Then came me. I clomped on stage in my white patten leather church shoes with tacks stuck in the bottom for taps- since I didn't have any tap shoes that fit me any longer, brown terry cloth shorts and t-shirt that probably said "groovy" or something uniquely profound. The music came on and I did a mega-slow version of my Candy Man tap dance routine repeating the pattern over and over again (shuffle step. shuffle hop step. pretend to lick giant lollipop, repeat pattern) while the record played on and on and on (it was like a 5 minute song and my dance...about 30 seconds). At one point I looked at my mom who was surely beaming with pride, surprisingly sitting hunched in her seat her hands covering her face and a scarf draped over her head (overcome with emotion I imagine). I finished my "tap" solo to the rousing sounds of ...crickets chirping. Needless to say I was banned from entering contests without my mother's prior knowlege. I would love to say it was the last time I embarrassed my mother this way, but alas, some people never learn. Good times. Good times.

The night was made for love..or too much TV

First, long story summed up - Tom, mowed lawn, chest pain, hospital, tests, 24 hours and $1,000's of $ later, perfectly fine, nothing wrong, takes blood pressure meds precautionary, waste of money. Must have been gas, expensive gas. The end. But little boys have ears.

Cayden, "Dad, you can't take Viagra" Tom, "Oh. Why?" Cayden, "Because you had the chest pain, and the blood pressure so you can't take it." Me, "Cayden what is Viagra for?" Cayden, "It's for loving people. You take it when you want to love someone" (holy crap). A bit later, Cayden, "Mom, too bad Dad has the blood pressure and the chest pain" Me, "why?" Him, "Because then he could take Viagra and love YOU Mom". Oh, well thank goodness for little favors then. JK.

God is Watching...

Cayden, "Mom, can God see through anything?" Me, "Yes honey he can". Cayden, (look of great concern on his face), "I was wondering because I'm not wearing any underwear." Me, "oh, well God doesn't care if you don't wear underwear as long as you wear it when you go outside...and you leave your weiner alone." Cayden, (silence for a minute), "I'm not leaving my weiner alone right now and I think God is watching" Umm...ok...I think this went too far..nevermind about the weiner thing just go to sleep. Ok.

25 Random Things About Me

On my Facebook I was tagged to do the "25 Random Things about Me". I decided to post it here as well. Most of it you already know about me. Oh well...it fills the space.

1. It makes me happy to be home cooking some sort of hearty meal for my family, with all of them home with me during a huge snowstorm. Super cozy. Fire must be going.

2. I hate hate hate listening to people crunch carrots. It absolutely does me in. I will run screaming away if I hear it or will come really close to telling the person to stop it or I'll pinch their head off!

3. I love any vacation that allows me to stay in an expensive luxury hotel, go to super nice restaurants, shop and lay around. Doesn't get better than that. Favorites? New York, Cruises or Hawaii. Vacations I hate? The ones that are in conjunction with Lacrosse or require me to stay in someone elses house (obsessive about my privacy) or staying in cheap hotels.

4. I am a Disneyworld (haven't been to Disneyland yet) freak. I could go there every year (not more than that). I love EPCOT (Test Track - yeah!), love the stupid "carousel of progress, Haunted mansion - oh that's the best!!!!! I could go on and on. I get so giddy at Disneyworld and probably Disneyland.

5. My dirty little secret - I hate romantic comedy movies. Can't stand them. They make me sick. There I said it. I hated Mama Mia. Go ahead - shun me now.

6. I am really a shy person in spite of my super loudness. I never socialize outside of my family, my family is my social life and that works for me. Thank goodness I come from a large family who gets together all the time.

7. I love to drive through big puddles of water. The bigger the splash I can make the better. I will drive on the side of the road to hit puddles to see them spray.

8. I love going to the movies and getting popcorn. But going to the movies is a huge ordeal. Seating - I must sit in the second to the last row, center section, last seat next to the aisle. It doesn't matter if I've eaten a huge meal or eaten nothing, I MUST get popcorn. Popcorn must be perfect. Another dirty secret about me: There is not enough butter until it starts to drip out the bottom. I will bring my own butter if I think they won't have the "self serve" butter dispenser running. Melt butter until the milk part burns off and you are left with the oil, add a bit of Orvill Rededbacher popcorn oil to prevent it from getting solid. put it in a freezer bag so you can clip an end and have proper butter distribution. No salt. yeah i'm a freak.
9. I hate to be hot more than anything, especially when I'm sleeping. I could go postal over being hot when I'm trying to sleep.

10. I love books on tape and reading when I get time

11. I love cooking shows and magazines.

12. I'm terrified of bats

13. I love sushi, just learned to love nigiri and sashimi.

14. Jello grosses me out. I won't make it, eat it or watch anyone eat it. Watching someone eat a jello shooter will cause me to freak out.

15. I love the smell of coffee, almonds, pumpkin spice & citrus.

16. I love sundays, after church, when I can hang with my family and no one has to go anywhere

17. I love Wednesdays - that's "sister lunch" day. Me, my Mom, Dad & all my sisters have gone to lunch every wednesday for over 5 years. We each take a turn choosing where we go. It's so much fun.

18. I love the day after thanksgiving, we all wear our pajamas, watch christmas movies and eat leftover thanksgiving food all day. It's the best day of the year.

19. I am thankful every day of the year I was able to adopt Cayden, our family would never have been complete without him. Love you Janel! I have the best 2 kids ever!

20. I have two secret ambitions (I'll never do) - write a book and be a morning radio DJ - just the random comedy babbling part, not the actual playing music part.

21. I am disorganized, messy, and scatterbrained but a control freak about any project or task. Go figure? Makes no sense. I have to have complete control and I dont' work well with others because I have to have my own way. I wouldn't want to work with me.

22. I love to plan parties/events, I will spend hours planning taking notes, etc. I am a perfectionist about my parties - details are everything. But, I would rather plan them than give them. By the time the party comes I want everyone to go home because I'm too tired and bored of it.

23. In the 90's I went to see Martha Stewart when she came to town and I cried when she came on stage. It was like she was the prophet. How embarrassing.

24. I live in fear I'll: suddenly, without warning leap off a super high structure, swear during a talk in church (just gave a talk today - didn't swear - I snorted - but didn't swear), or stick my hands in the apple corer at the cannery and get my hand cored - because they told us not to,

25. Most important, I love my husband & kids and I love spending time with my whole family - husband, kids, parents, sisters & their families etc. I look forward to every gathering. I have such a great fun funny family and I'm so glad I was born into this family.

Lampshade Girl strikes again

You all know I have lampshade/drunk girl syndrome. I get in public I get louder and louder, do and and say more and more weird inappropriate things causing people to think I'm drunk or something. Sunday at primary we got a bunch of new teachers and several of them intimidate me so...drunk girl comes out. First, my sharingtime I made "proclamation cookies". I used an egg and felt the need to announce that I just laid the egg myself. Kids laugh. Adults..blank stares w/crickets chirping. (why did I say that?). Then, i tell them a particular ingredient represents what Mom's do for us. Then I say the second ingredient represents what the Mom does for us. The kids remind me I already said Mom. What do I say? "Whoops, we not GOING there! We'll stick to the traditional family!" GH. Again blank horrified stares. Did I just make a joke about gay marriage in primary? unbelievable. Then I have these stupid tights that for some reason slide down super easy and I spent most of primary trying to yank them up. It's the end of primary and I haven't had time to yank up the tights. Finally I've had it. I'm tired, grouchy and just...done. I give up, let my tights finish their journey downward. When they hit my calves, I just step out of my tights in the middle of the hall and kick them aside like I'm at my home. Frightened stares from all. What did I just do and why? Well I'll be released soon. Maybe it's best. I think it's time for a break. Next week I have to do sharing time again and it's on Adam and Eve. I think I'll go naked wearing fig leaves since that' seems to be my style lately. Let's go out with a bang.

Your old, Pastard!

I found this blog dedicated to Cake Wrecks and they are so funny and unreal. I'm going to post them when I find ones I especially love. Plus I want to be sure MY cakes aren't posted!!

Above is the "inspiration" (ugly and creepy though it may be - except to a hunter I guess). Below is what they got (with the added loving birthday words)



"Happy Birthday your old Pastard" . Obviously it should have read "Happy Birthday You Old Bastard". In addition to Pastard, I love the statement YOUR (you're) OLD. Poor old pastard.

Public Dressing/Restroom

I thought of something funny the other day and wanted to post it. While we were in Hawaii, as I mentioned, I bought a new swimming suit. When I was in the dressing room they had a funny sign. I can't remember it verbatim but it went something like, "This is not a public restroom! Do not urinate or deficate in this room!" I wanted to ask about it...but I didn't really want to know. That grossed me out. Who would do that? Can you imagine going in the dressing room and finding a big steaming pile of human doo doo? Raised by wolves - some people.

Hawaii -Part 2

Ok Ok I'll finish up. Yes Mandoo, I was pooping out (not literally). It's been more than 10 minutes since I got back from Hawaii. I hope I remember what happened. If not I'll make up a good story to fill the space.

When we last left our heroine, she was drinking diet coke and eating a hot dog at Costco. All good stories start there. Now costco is basically the same everywhere except for a few added touches and products that are unique to that area. Hawaii has macadamia nuts in EVERY form. Plain, garlic, coffee coated, chocolate covered, plain, organic (what are non-organic macadamia nuts? plastic?), in tarts, pies, soap and so on. We bought a few to snack on in the hotel room and a keg for my Mom who really loves them and doesn't want to share (ask her about camping). We just pretend we bought them off an authentic hawaiian macadamia nut roadside stand, hand grown and roasted by natives sprinkled with hawaiian sea salt. You know what else they have that's unique to a hawaiian costco? Sushi and Sashimi in the ready to eat section. Super freaky. The sushi isn't really unique but the sashimi is. It was only about $13 for a styro container of Ahi or Salmon with soy sauce and wasabi. I should have had it instead of a damn hotdog. I have a picture of it when I decide to get my brick i mean camera and download it. Just for fun I put an ENORMOUS jug of vodka or some sort of drink in my cart while Tom was wandering just to see what he would do. I swear it was like a 5 gallon jug. So Tom came back, casually glanced at my cart and said mildly and said "why do you have that?" He acted like I it was just another of Lisa's one way trip to hell purchases, like I do this all the time. He's no fun. Next time it's crack! I put it back.

Our hotel was amazing. Seriously. It was way worth it to have Tom write a letter to tell them it was our 25th anniversary. They upgraded us to the concierge towers where they serve breakfast, afternoon snacks and horseovaries in the evening, complimentary. Our room has a beautiful view of the ocean with a big deck. The windows were covered in sliding plantation shutter doors that slide so you have have all the windows open with the ocean view. the entire wall is floor to ceiling windows. We had big flat screen tv which was awesome because even though it's our anniversary, after 2 minutes it's like, well ok, should we see what's on TV? They gave us a big bottle of champagne. I took a bath in it. speaking of a bath, holy crap on a cracker the bathroom was nice! It was way bigger than my bathroom at home and was made of coral marble with an enormous neck deep tub. I think I took at least 2 baths a day in that thing. I alway took a bath with my diet coke in a wine goblet. super fun ambience.

When we got to the hotel and the little bellboy is showing us every nook and cranny and explaining it to ensure a fabulous tip. He shouldn't waste his time, Tom, love him, but he not mister generous in the tip area. A shiny quarter in it for ya if you drag all our bags upstairs. Just kidding.. sort of. Anyway, I was SO freakin tired I just wanted him to leave! I know how the faucets work! I know how to use a hanger, get the heck out of here! Finally to sleep. The bed has a feather bed and it was way comfortable. The next morning I was ready to go. First, we go to our complimentary breakfast buffets for us rich folk. I wore my flip flops to show I could mingle with the best of em. Breakfast awesome! Birds? Sickening. For those who don't know, I HATE birds, they're kind of like bats, flapping about it sickens me. So in hawaii, they just let the damn things fly around your tables begging for food. shudder. yes they were tiny and cuteish looking but gross. ew. shudder.

We head off the return our stupid van because it isn't working correctly and guess what, the upgrade we'd hoped for, RED MUSTANG COVERTIBLE, no additional cost!! Yeah Baby! I thought I'd hate a convertible because I hate the wind blowing my hair in my face. But it was the best thing ever. I'd recommend never going to hawaii unless you rent a convertible. My hair blew around and I looked like Ursula the seawitch on The Little mermaid most of the time, but who cared, I had a damn convertible and you don't! I went to buy a swimsuit that fit. I asked around to see who sold "fatty" suits and found a place who had 2 fatty sized swimsuits left. I told her I would try it on even though their fatty sizes were still too small. She hesitated but acted like there was no way it was going to work but, it did and I bought it and I really like it actually.

We goofed off the rest of the day, sitting by the pool and ordering diet cokes which cost $5 each. We wandered on the beach for awhile. I just love watching the ocean, I could do it forever. Most of you also know I have a terrible fear of tidal waves or tsunami's whatever they're called. So the whole time I'm looking at the ocean for a sign (I know them all, recessed ocean etc.) I have my game plan, what I'm going to do in case of a tsunami. I also watch the waves knowing that next one is gonna be 50 feet high and I'm ready to run (waddle) to higher ground. Nothing happens. good.

The next day we did the road to Hana. Now if you dont' know what this is, it's a super scenic road that goes along the coastline and is about 45 miles long and takes all day to drive it. The road is nothing but hairpin turns and you can't drive over about 15 miles an hour. The scenery is so pretty. You expect to see gorillas leaping down the mountain or terydactyls (sp?) flying around it's so jurassic park. We stopped at this little recommended lunch counter to buy our picnic lunch and get a CD which guides you along the way and tells you where to stop and see this sight or that waterfall. We were ripped off royally. They saw us coming. It cost $45 for our sandwichs, crappy CD and a stupid foil bag to put our sandwiches in. Oh well. Now, first let me tell you. I don't have a lot of patience with my dear hubby sometimes and I can be sort of..."unpleasant" sometimes. Yes, I know, it's a shock, but seriously I can be screetchy, like some big ostrich pecking and screetching. (shut up sisters I am such a sweet gentle person all the time) But I was determined to shut my mouth and be an angel the whole trip (it damn near killed me but I almost did it!). The first stop was twin falls. Now I was under the mistaken impression this was a scenic little jaunt where you get out of your car, wander over and peak and whatever landmark was on the map. Not the case my friend. We get to the spot and the locals are selling grass hats for $100 bucks or something like that. We start walking on the trail, even holding hands for a second (gross). And we walk. and walk. and walk. higher and higher. I'm wearing flip flops mind you. and we keep walking. I'm dripping sweat and my voice dripping with honey, "oh I'll be just fine! no really, I'll keep going" (I'm gonna freakin punch someone in the face in about 2 seconds if we don't get to the freakin falls NOW). and walk and walk AND WALK AND WALK AND WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 30 minutes later we find the "falls". I'm nearly dead, sweaty and stinky, but sweet as sugar pie. Yes, honey lamb sugar lips I'm just fine. What's that kitten whiskers? Oh no, it was FUN! Seriously, let's do it again! (come near me and I'll rip your lips right off your face and throw them off these stupid falls!). We get near the falls and have to wade in the water to get to them and I kept sliding around and nearly falling and my shoes come off and go down the river, oh it was fun. Anyhoo, got that crap overwith, back down the damn trail. Wasn't it special angel puddin? yes it was. We stopped for lunch an hour later at this park that was full of cats. Isn't that weird? Ferral cats all wandering around. We only made it half way on the road to Hana because we got carsick. Oh well. Then we went to a movie. Mister cheap pants said he "wasn't hungry" and just wanted a light salad. Pansy. We went to his favorite place by BYU called L & L Hawaiian BBQ. I may look like I'm not picky, but I am and this place is gross to me. But he enjoyed it.

Next day was Saturday, we'd already been there for 2 days and we were leaving on Sunday, it was too short. I have no idea what we did. I'm sure it was fun. Tom wanted italian for dinner so I found a place on the map and we headed off. We came to the area where it was and I couldn't find it. I was on the phone with Hillary while we drove around finally we came around the corner in this strip mall and there were a bunch of cops standing around their car talking. Tom ripped around the corner and drove over the median and scraped the crap out of the bottom of the car and then dropped off the side for a bone rattling BANG. That's when "Bubbles, the southern sweet belle" disappeared and Hebsiba the seawitch appeared, "GOOD HELL TOM! WHAT IN THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING? YOU DROVE OVER THE CURB! SQWACK SQWACK..." No more words during dinner. When we got back to the hotel he told me to apologize for being mean. Ok. I'm sorry you didn't pay attention and drove over the curb. Other than that I was a perfect angel the whole trip.

Then sunday we had to leave! But we had all day to do things because we took the red-eye home. First, even though I tried to find things to buy, but unless I wanted something that involved swimming, puka shells, macadamia nuts or hawaiian shirts I was SOL. If I could do it again I'd never take the red-eye. You have the whole day, but you can't go back to your hotel because you're checked out. So you can't swim, you just wander. By then you are just ready to go. The flight home was nightmare trip part deux. We flew from Maui to Kona to Seattle then home. The flight to Kona was delayed by at least an hour but no biggie, we have a 3 hour layover in seattle. We get on the plan and I ask for a belt extender - yeah I'm that fat. I can get the belt on but it's snug. I got brave and asked for one. The flight attendant says she'll send someone down with it. so once everyone has boarded and a crew member comes over to me and says loudly, "are you the one who wanted the belt extender?" try to be cool. "yeah" "well if you're in an exit row and can't get the belt on without one we'll have to move you" Ok embarrassment beyond belief. OH no I'm fine, I got it on! I could have died. Anyway the rest of the flights home were a repeat of the flights there so I won't repeat it. We made it home and I was so happy to see the kids. Cayden was so happy to see us. He hugged me and said, "now it's like it was before, our family together". It was a really fun trip and I wish I could go again. But, sigh, not for awhile!

Hawaii! Part One

Taking a cue from Mandoo I will blog my trip in little parts. It seems people don't like reading huge posts, so I'll try and minimize it. I said TRY...didn't say I would. Unfortunately I will have little or no pictures of our trip. Why? Because my striking beauty broke the camera? well no, but good guess though. It's because our camera is the size of a brick and no one wants to lug it around. Hint Hint Santa.. Plus I HATE pictures of myself. The last pictures taken of me were at Bonzai for Cayden's birthday and I look like a freakin sumo wrestler with clothes. My eyes are all squinty from my fat mashing them shut. But I digress... the point is, there won't be many pictures.

So, from the beginning. Tom surprised me with a trip to Hawaii for our 25th anniversary. Can you believe it's been 25 years?!! It feels like 50 years. Just kidding. We've now officially crossed the line of being married longer than we were single. Tom chose Hawaii because it's become one of our favorite places. He chose to go to Maui this time because we normally go to the Big Island (Hawaii) or Oahu. He chose this fantatic hotel on Maui, for you Jon & Kate plus eight fans, they recently filmed their "vow renewal" episode at the same hotel. I'll describe the hotel later.

In preparation for a trip I order a swim suit from a fatty gal website. In my mind I'm the largest woman on the planet and order accordingly. I did actually measure myself, but you know, it's hard to measure fat. Especially bosom fat. The guide says to measure around the fullest part of your bosom. So, do I measure from where my bosom CURRENTLY lands or do I twist or roll them up and measure from where they SHOULD be? I tried both, but trying to make you bosoms stay where they should be is an impossible task (remember my description of my mamogram - bosoms slidding off the platform on all sides like soft ozing dough). Then my bum. Do I measure where the biggest part of my bum is now -hanging over the back of my legs or where it should be, a foot higher. Anyhoo, I do the best I can with measurement guessing and order my suit, which based on the reviews of other buyers is, "flattering", "sexy", "got lots of compliments" etc. I have high hopes and my swimsuit arrives. I put it on and...duDA! GH! (good hell) I look like Dumbo's mother! It's HUGE!!!!! That's a first! And sexy? flattering? No, not really. I wonder where these people came from who order from a fatty website and describe themselves in a swimsuit as "sexy". Uh..no. THAT is the ultimate oxymoron. Anyway, the bosom part could fit my whole head in each side. The skirt fell to my knees. Needless to say, I didnt' bring it and now, had so swimsuit for the trip. As in Mandoo's case, no swimsuits to be found, especially a horizontally gifted size. Trip day arrives after much prep and work and no sleep. My dear dear mother arrives to take care of Cayden and for that I am SO grateful!!

Everything goes well and we are on the airplane ready to take off. The seat seems even smaller than I remember and i have a wresting match with the seatbelt. The flight to Seattle is short and goes well, I get my diet coke and peanuts and spend the time trying not to ooze into the aisle., but then we have the flight to maui. Who is aware that Northwest and Delta airlines merged? Well they did. and I hate NW airlines now. Our flight to Maui is 5 hours long and they serve PEPSI!!! Yes, I am SERIOUS! Not only that, no snacks. none. nothing. A cup of ice and a diet poison, I mean pepsi is all we get for 5 hours. You can BUY snacks or a meal (sandwiches are $10, snack size pringles are $3). Isn't that crazy? I am wishing I had packed me some crap to nosh on. I realized at that moment that I am a bored eater. I need something to do while I sit there and eating fills that need. Then to make matters worse, the movie is broken so we can't watch anything. I stupidly brought only books on tape and my headphone breaks so I can't listen to anything. I feel like a caged tiger in a tiny cage and I am ready to freak out. Finally the movie is fixed and it starts and I risk the rath of the rude flight attendants and push the call button. One arrives and doesn't say anything just looks at me with that, "WELL??!!!!! WHAT?!!" I tell them I need pringles and headphones, STAT!! I am able to endure the rest of the flight now. Now I can now say I know what it felt like to be a pioneer because I too, know what it feels like to truly suffer. Can you imagine? PEPSI, NO SNACKS and NO MOVIE (for an hour anyway). Oh the inhumanity of it all. I am glad I endured. On a side note. Why are most flight attendants so rude? I am SO nice to them and they are always rude and snotty and act like you are just interrupting their day. What did they think they would be doing? Did they honestly think the job would be glamorous? Did they imagine they would be just sitting there in first class drinking champagne jetting off to places unknown and getting paid for it? I know it's not a fun job but that IS the job! I did notice something however, on my flight back from Maui I was NOT a happy camper (story later - not that it's much of a story) and I was curt to the flight attendant and she was really nice to me. I think they hate super nice people. Have you noticed that really wealthy people ignore the "help" and say very little to them. I think they expect it. Fine. I'm doing that from now on.

We arrive in Maui and we get our "upgraded" rental car. A chevy van looking thing. Kind of a funny upgrade. What is the first thing everyone does in Hawaii? Costco of course. Costco is right by the freeway and we go there to get crap to snack on in the room. And, as it turns our, our first gourmet meal of the trip. Costco hotdog and a drink. However, it was DIET COKE, the nectar of the Gods and because of that, it was the best meal ever.

That's all for now because I posted too long already.

The Secret Side of Me...and hopefully YOU!

Some of you may know that years ago I would get panic attacks at night for some bizarre reason. I'd wake up in the night and suddenly think of things I needed to do, didn't do, did wrong, why I was a bad Mom, bad wife, bad daughter, why I could be organized like other people, holy crap did I forget to do...yada yada and list never ended. As my worries grew, my heart would start racing and pounding and I'm sure, skipping beats or double beating, which ever and then suddenly, I knew I was having a heart attack. What would Hillary do without me (I didn't have Cayden yet)? Then I would start bawling and my arms would go numb and I knew death was imminent. I would get up and pace the halls making it worse with more worries. Why did I eat that coffee icecream and not repent? When I died and people found my messy house what would they THINK? My Obituary: "Lisa Campbell died in her sleep of horrible diseases. She leaves behind a huge mess that we all have to sort through. Throughout her life she was inconsiderate of who would have to deal with this crap when she was gone. Rest in peace ya lazy jerk". Anyway. I actually went to the ER once over this and they told me it was nothing more than a panic attack and to lighten up for HS (hell sakes).

So to make a long story longer. I developed a method to calm talk myself out of a panic attack when it started and calm myself down and get to sleep. Some people apparently count sheep, I don't know what freak would really do that. I mean really. Using math as a way to go to sleep? Yeah. THAT is how a panic attack for START for me! Anyway as I've told a million people, my tried and true method for getting to sleep, MY way of "counting sheep" as it were is to count money (that doesn't count as money). So, I win the lottery and I win 10 million dollars (must be tax free) and I spend it. Starting with 10 million I work my down. First, I pay tithing because even though I'm winning the lottery and it's technically ill-gotten gains, I'm not taking a chance, I'm paying tithing. Then I pay off all of my bills, then I pay of my Dads bills, then I have this fabulous party for my family. I don't tell anyone I've won. At this fabulous party I pick up all my brothers and sister and their spouses and my parents up one by one each in their own limo which takes them to the private party. In my plans it WAS LaCaille until I read really bad reviews about them now I need a new place in my mind. But until then, I have the garden room reserved with a huge buffet with every fancy thing on it. After the buffet I present everyone with an envelope with equal amounts of money, except my Dad who gets the most so he can retire. My Mom gets her fair shair too. It's usally $500,00 for each sibling and $1,000,000 for my pa. Then I sell my house, buy a new one - nothing enormous, but a rambler on flat ground with a large secluded lot etc. off a busy street. Then I take trips and by the time I get to this point I'm asleep. In fact I rarely get beyond the party before I'm gone.

**Now you're saying, why do I care about this tardo blog? Well you probably don't. But my long long point is about winning the lottery. What? yes, I know, it's way off the topic. We've all gotten those "tell me about yourself " tags or emails and basically they are all the same. Here is mine and it's not the same. I wonder about myself and I wonder if other people are the same as me or if I'm destined for hell. Here is my quiz. Either blog your responses or comment below if you dare. Warning. some of these questions are disturbing:

1. Would you enter the lottery in hopes of winning knowing that it's against church rules? My answer: Yes Would you pay tithing?
2. If you came upon money confiscated in a drug bust would you take some? What do they do with it? No one can take it. They can't give it back. My answer. Yes.
3. If you had a chance for unlimited cash, would you take it knowing the price would be fame? No more privacy etc. Would it be worth it? My answer: No.
4. If your spouse was abusive but still won custody or joint custody would you flee with the child and go underground and hide this child knowing it was against the law? My answer: Yes
5. If your child did something illegal would you turn him/her in to the police? My answer: I don't know. It would depend how serious, how long he/she'd been out of control.
6. Let's say the world was struck by something disasterous and most of the world died and you were one of the living. All of remaining people begin congregating in one area of the US. You go there too, but in finding a place to live, would you find the most elaborate mansion that was far away from everyone else or choose a small house where everyone else lived. My answer: the small house - initially.
7. If you were a german during the nazi occupation, would you willingly hide a jewish person or family knowing it could mean death for your family? My answer: Sadly no. I'm disappointed about this.
8. Part 2 - would you knowingly rat out a jewish family or person if it would mean favor for your family? My answer: no. at least I have some scruples.
9. If you were stranded somewhere or found yourself in a life or death struggle. Would you be able to survive if pure force of will made a difference? My answer: yes. I am a fighter
10. Is there a super off the wall job you think would be fun to do? My answer: Radio DJ for a morning show. Not playing songs, but commentary and being funny.

Ok your turn. Feel free to add questions of your own. Sorry this is really bizarre but these are things I've thought of.

Halloween Memories

I know everyone is sick of my posts that stay there for months on end. Sorry. I haven't been able to get my life together and multi-task well since I started working part time. But that's another post. Anyway, I've wanted to post about my Halloween thoughts for a long time and haven't taken the time. It's Saturday morning and I've been sitting in my bed and updating my good reads for hours and I still don't want to get up because I have to clean. So I'll do this now instead. Hillary is asleep and Tom took Cayden to Lacrosse so the house is quiet and I'm watching the movie Signs at the same time. Boy I love that movie!! Holy crap I'm digressing.

I know that my love of Halloween has stemmed from my Mother's ability to take any holiday and make it memorable. Halloween was no exception. My Mother, using very little money always transformed the house into a magical place of wonder. Everything glowed orange and I can still recall the smells in the air (no, not halloween farts) like orange, pumpkin, bean and bacon soup and hot dogs. My Mom painted a witch that she would put on the front door every year and it was nearly the size of the whole door. She put it up year after year until a few years ago when she stopped. i don't know why, maybe it was too trashed after nearly 30 years or so of use. When we were little we NEVER had a "boughten" costume. Always homemade. I always felt sorry for those kids who had to wear those horrible plastic costumes with a plastic face. At the same time, I think I wanted to wear one because our costumes were always larger than life and I felt conspicuous. My Mom would make us all creative costumes, like matching princess or fancy girl type costumes with tulle netting skirts and enormous tulle bows on our heads. I remember once being a fancy boy and natalie a fancy girl. I think. I think I remember being witches (cute ones). Valerie, always had pretty costumes (stupid "precious"). All I'm sure of is that whatever costume we had, it was homemade, but not like a literal, meticulous pattern sewn costume but kind of a creative art piece put together and always original.

Unlike today, where we see Halloween stuff in stores in July, decide on custumes in September and set up for Halloween a month in advance, in those days Halloween generally began on Halloween day. I remember it seemed effortless for my Mom but I'm sure it wasn't. The house was always spotless and warm on Halloween day. In the afternoon my mom would create decorations and put them up everywhere and put the "the witch" on the door. We always had the same meal, which I've begun serving for my family, on Halloween night. Bean and Bacon soup (Campbell's Soup, not homemade) and pigs in a blanket. My mom always made scratch dough for the "pigs". When I started serving it to my family I used canned roll dough because I couldn't make real dough. I do now, but I'm still perfecting it because I'm bad at making bread. We would eat this easy meal and head off trick or treating. I don't remember much about the trick or treating part itself, but I remember the idiots who would try the "trick" route to be funny, rather than the treat. Yeah yeah, not funny, just hand over the damn candy I haven't got all day. The worst were the stupid health conscience people who gave out little boxes of raisins. Gross. Those people deserve a good egging for sure! I remember one dentist who gave out tooth brushes. Oh that was fun. I was sure excited about that! I always hated the houses who gave out cheap taffy. jerks.

My Grandfather Moore also influenced my Halloween obsession as well because he would set up his house scary and everyone in the family would dress up and participate in giving out candy. He had this really creepy mask that didn't wrap around the face it was just for the top third of the face. It was made of a hard plastic or varnished paper machier or something like that. It was weird looking it had slant eyes with makeup and big teeth. He always gave out great candy - those little wax bottles with some sort of sugary liquid inside. Yum. Or wax lips. Those were so much fun. The funniest halloween at my Grandfathers house was a time he ran out of candy and offered some poor kid a tuna fish sandwich. He didn't take him up on the kind offer. Not sure why.

One of my favorite parts of halloween was when we came back from trick or treating and we would all sit on the family room floor and dump out our candy in a big pile and begin the sorting. First, can you recall that fabulous smell that came from your trick or treat bucket? It was a candy smell like no other. I think it came from the combination of double bubble, smarties, wax lips and candy bars (rare). Once in awhile I will catch that scent somewhere and I'm immediately transported back in time. I tried smelling Hillary's trick or treat bag once and it didn't smell the same. I don't know why. She did not like my big snout in her bag either. I'm sure she thought, oh crap, fatty's got her snout in my bad and I know she's gonna eat it all. Anyway, I digress. We would sort the candy into piles in order of value. Taffy being the least valuable and the rare candy bars were the premium and top of the value list. In between were the wax lips etc. I also recall those being the days when you might get homemade food like carmel apples or candy popcorn until the urban legends told everyone that carmel/candy apples contained razor blades and drugs. I'll bet it never happened. In fact I'll bet some kid was told he could only eat one piece of candy and he ate the whole plastic pumpkin full in one sitting and was all hopped up on sugar. He bounced off the walls, climbed the ceiling, bit his brothers, stole their candy, and caused general mayhem and some mom said she was sure her kid had been slipped a mickey in his candy. It was just a freakin sugar high. Kids back then didn't get much sugar, not like today, back then we got it rarely so when we did, we went ballistic. Anyway, we tried to ration our candy, eating it a little bit a day, starting with the least valuable candy and finally the zenith, the day we ate the grand finale, candy bars. Oh the sad day when it was all over. We had to hide our candy because we would always try and steal each other's booty. The best part was when we could con the younger stupier sibling into "trading" our "crappy" candy bars for the yummy yummy taffy. Until Mom caught us and we had to give it back. Or until the other sibling found out and tattled because they didn't think of it first. stupid natalie.

I loved going to my Mom's house when Hillary was little or even when I was married but no kids. We would hang out there and give out candy because they had a huge neighborhood. when our kids came on the scene we would trick or treat in their neighborhood, it was a movie typical neighborhood block that I loved. Every year my mom would buy one bag of cheap taffy (yes she was one of those mom's), run out in 5 minutes and say, "I can't believe I ran out!". Then my Dad would have a fit at the cheap taffy and go to the store and buy good candy. This went on for years. I would sit in the other room and recite the exchange verbatim, too funny.

Halloween at my house is sort of different but the same as growing up. I used to make elaborate costumes for Hillary until she got old enough to have an opinion then we would rent from Hale Theatre or buy something elaborate. Cayden too has a boughten costume. They are too cheap not to. Gone are the crappy plastic and replaced with nice fabric costumes. Plus I don't sew. My Halloween schedule is that we still have the mandatory meal, which no one likes but me. Tom would do the trick or treating, I answer the door and watch a scary movie. Wonderful, I really enjoy it. I use my fog machine, set up my porch with halloween decor, scary haunted house sounds and music. Inside I set up a haunted house table with cobwebs and a big cauldron of homemade rootbeer. Unfortunately no one comes. I have a disappointing neighborhood. First, our ward does trunk or treat on halloween night so no one goes trick or treat at homes so I am lucky if I answer the door 10 times. In fact, other than neighbors across the street, most of my trick or treaters are kids from other neighborhoods across town for some reason.

Well that's my memories for now. Pictures to follow when I can figure out my stupid scanner. Amy? come help me.

This is what my life has come to?

It had been a bad week and a boring Friday. It was all work at work, work at home, and nothing was accomplished. sigh. Anyway, Tom and I picked up Cayden from Amy's and were coming home. Cayden says excitedly (glad to see Tom who had been out of town), "Mom! You can bring me and Dad drinks while we play Mario Striker!!!" yay. yippee. I said to Tom sort of under my breath, "This has been a such a bad week and I didn't get to do anything fun today". Cayden, evesdropping, pipes up, "you didn't get to do anything fun today?" "no, I didn't". He sits quietly, thoughtfully pondering, then says, happily as the answer comes to him, "I KNOW, YOU CAN SERVE ME AND DAD FOOD WHILE WE PLAY NINENDO!!" Yep, this is what my life has come to. my work is done. I can die happy.

Oh the prayers of the very young...

Cayden's prayer at Bear Lake...."and thankful that we have Nintendo Zelda, rated "T" for "everyone". Amen.

A good reason to change your name.

Poor guy. Is his name an indicator of how he died? Bad word, but it makes me giggle.

Whimsey Cake - my latest creation

This cake was done for fund raiser for one of my favorite people - that's why I did a cake when I always say no. It was WAY harder than I thought it would be (lots of catastrophies along the way) and cost WAY more for supplies than I thought (over $100) but it was worth it because it (almost) came out like I envisioned. It took me, counting baking the cake about 20 hours. I finished this morning at 4:00 a.m. Thats when I remember why I don't do cakes anymore! It does give one a sense of real accomplishment when you like the project you started. I hope they liked it. Actually I don't care if I like it as long as I liked it. (Arrogant artist.) I'm going to take a nap now because i'm getting a migraine from lack of sleep. Enljoy.

Conjugational Hymn - I wanna go to THAT church!

I don't want to embarrass the person who creates our Sacrament meeting programs each week, but it was so funny I had to post it. I used my scanner for the first time because just telling it makes it an urban legend - you need to see it to believe it. All I have to say is, what was he thinking about when he typed it!

My Newest Food Discovery

Everytime I go to Costco lately I would see these "Fingerling Potatoes" and they really intrigued me. Kind of a weird name, creepy somehow, but interesting nonetheless. You've probably all tried them, but I hadn't. I thought they were basically little regular potatoes, but they're not. They're a mix of little weird potatoes I've not really heard of, like Rose Finn Apple, Russian Banana, French Fingerling and Princess Laratte. Fun names huh? I didn't know how to cook them, but decided to roast them, like the cover showed. That amused me.

These are the spices I use for tater roasting. Kosher salt - my favorite for taters because they are one of only 3 foods that MUST have salt (taters, eggs & tomatoes), and I like having a bigger "bite" of salt the larger grains have. Fresh ground pepper, tyme, garlic powder, olive oil and my newest find, cheese powder. The cheese powder is what I use to duplicate Chef Tom's garlic mix you can't find anymore. It just adds an interesting taste. And butter. Surprised? Didn't think so. Everything is better with butter, even butter is better with butter. I don't have an exact measurement of what I used, but I use these cute little ramekins to mix the spice mixture and start with salt, pepper, garlic - use plenty, cheese, then lastly, tyme, not much tyme. I mix them together.

These are what the taters look like before they are washed and cleaned up.

You are not supposed to have to peel them, but my OCD can't allow me to eat a blemished food. Yeah I know, what a freak. Grapes are the hardest food to eat because I have to examine each grape for spots, split skin, wrinkled skin, too soft and last the part where it's removed from the stem can't have splits or wrinkles etc. It takes forever to eat grapes and they couldn't ever be eaten in the dark. I digress. Bottomline, I have to peel the parts that have blemished etc., but you don't. Then I cut them into large pieces.

I put them in a big Tupperware That's A Bowl and pour some olive oil on them, then toss until all the taters are coated. Then I take my spice mixture and pour some on, mix and toss, add more spice, mix and toss until I think they are plenty coated. Then I followup with more salt - they seem to need alot of salt for some reason.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. I cooked mine with a tri-tip roast, but you can cook them on their own. They actually turn out better not in the same dish as the meat, but I was lazy and only wanted to wash one pan. They turn out better because sometimes there's too much grease. It depends on the meat. If you are cooking them alone, they take about 20-30 minutes. Right before I cook them, I pour a little melted butter on them and toss. You don't have too. Sissy. If you're cooking them with meat, add them no earlier than 45 minutes prior to meat done time. I stir and flip them over one or two times during the cooking so they don't stick and burn. Use your pampered chef rubber spatula, the one that can be at a million degree temperature or something like that, it's easier to turn them.

DONE! Perfect taters! I should have garnished my plate to look fancy for this post, but well, I didn't. Shut up. Seriously, these taste so AWESOME. They taste different than normal potatoes, having much more flavor. I don't know if it's the spice mixture, especially the garlic, but they are SO GOOD. Try them! They are easy and kids love them too!

If you try them, let me know what you thought of them! Bon Appetit!

Holy Yummy Cupcakes Batman!

Being a cake baker/decorator, I normally hate to eat cake. However, I have an obsession with finding perfect cupcakes. Cupcakes, being all the rage, are EVERYWHERE. There are blogs dedicated just to cupcakes if you can imagine! I've decided that when I do go into the cake business, I want to open a cupcake shop, in spite of the saturated market. Why just cupcake? Because I can create super fun, interesting, flavors that taste and look good, without spending hours and hours on one cupcake. So, i'm starting my market research. These are the places I've visited and my reviews:

Dippidee, located in American Fork: Super cute store, fun cute cookies, the cupcakes? Ok. Nothing special. Frosting is Ok, better than typical grocery store frosting, but nothing you couldn't make at home with a little effort.

So, Cupcakes, located at 3900 S Highland Dr.: this store only sells cupcakes. It's a really cute store, set up like a cute little coffee shop in pink with accents of brown. The labeling, packaging, logo, all creative. But the cupcakes? Dry. absolutely unforgiveable. The frosting, again, better than a grocery store, but boring and crusty. Now, to be fair, it was towards the end of the day, maybe fresh they're better. I tried the lemon, mocha & vanilla, then crossed this place off my list. One side note, across the parking lot were about 10 million pigeons lurking about. Either someone dumped a ton of grain on the ground or it was a huge pile of pollen or something, but they were all swarming in it and it was sickening. Most people know I have a flock of birds phobia. shudder. My review? So, Cupcakes were so so.

Les Madeleines, located at 216 East 500 South. This is the ONE folks. The Tiffany of cupcakes. First the bad: The frustrating thing about this store is that i've gone three times and it's been closed twice. Once for lunch, once because it was past four. Thank goodness I tried again today because it was a few moments of heaven. The mini cupcakes are $2 each - expensive. I bought a New York : Valrhona (VALRHONA PEOPLE! Can you stand it?) chocolate in the cupcake and fuge icing, Gilligan's Island: coconut with cream cheese frosting dipped in coconut, Sicily: chocolate cupcake with pistachio frosting. These bites of heaven were SO good. It had the frosting style I love, Swiss or Italian meringue buttercream. TONS of butter with either egg yolks or whites to add volume. The cupcakes were....gulp...moist (everyone knows I HATE this word, but I had to use it). The flavor of the cupcakes were so good and original tasting. I can't stop thinking about them and I can't wait to go again. My cake fanatic Carol, if you're reading this, I'm bringing you some because I know you'll appreciate them!

Go try them people, they are worth it. Next stop? Dear Lizzy's in Alpine. Anyone been there?

Have you tried an amazing cupcake place I need to try?

Thoughts from Cayden

"I like wearing a cape when I go to the bathroom" yeah, me too.

Sushi-licious!

Well, I finally had sushi, REAL sushi, for the first time. I've had sushi a couple of times at Jumbo Buffet, or some other gross asian buffet of sorts. I've wanted to try real sushi but just hadn't done it yet. I'm a brave eater and I love seafood and I've eaten some raw seafood and loved it so I was willing to try. But honestly? I thought I probably wouldn't like it. The "sushi" at Jumbo Buffet is like comparing salad shrimp to Lobster. No comparison. Hillary was having her pictures done downtown and we decided to head to Gateway afterwards. Hillary suggested Happy Sumo and I decided it was time. It was a Tuesday night and it was CROWDED. Tuesday, for crap sake. But I guess it's the thing. There were a million choices and I decided on the "Rock and Roll" which contained, salmon, cream cheese, avocado rolled in tempura crunchies (no clue) topped with baked dynamite (no clue), sumo sauce & green onions, plus it had orange salmon roe on top (caviar). You have to eat sushi with chopsticks and you dip it in soy sauce and you have to eat it at once. No small bites. Otherwise it falls apart. My first bite....heavenly...absolutely delicious (hate the word). Seriously it was so good!!!! Granted it was a tame sushi, nothing scary. But the flavors were so awesome I can't explain it. It was one of the best combination of flavors I've ever had. I'm not sure if it was that I was eating something I'd never eaten before or if it was just plain good, but either way...it was heavenly. I can't wait to go again! Who's with me?!!!