Time to watch Dr. Phil!

Being the Mom I have no control over the TV. Everyone else in the family gets first choice, since I'm the one working and they are the ones having fun. However, at 3:00 it's time for Dr. Phil! It's time for me to take a break and actually sit down and enjoy others misfortunes, stupidity, and fun etc. I change the channel and try to make it sound really fun so Cayden won't have a coronary when I change the channel. IT'S TIME FOR DR. PHIL! LET'S WATCH DR. PHIL! To which I get screams and tantrums, "Don't want Dr. Phil! No! Not Dr. Phil!!". Sigh. But the other night I felt I had made progress. Halloween night I was exhausted and I knew he should be too. I tried to get him to sleep, but Hillary was having a party and he was missing it and knew it. Several times he escaped, naked with Buzz Lightyear wings, down to the party, to which I had to tell him to get upstairs because it wasn't THAT kind of party. Finally, the party was over and even Hillary was asleep but Cayden, hopped up on candy wasn't tired. I turned off the TV in hopes he'd sleep. He sat there, then finally patted me on the face with his brilliant idea! "Let's watch Dr. Phil!" Kids say the damndest things.

Updated, finally

FYI, Tom has finally updated his blog with an entry.

Another High Priest dinner disaster

That was more of a headline grabber because it really wasn't a disaster but as usual, my increasingly inept social behavior gets me again. It was my turn to host. Tom (as the host) invited the presidency and 6 people totalling 14. Anyhoo. In order to overcompensate for my...lack of home decorating skills?...social skills?...dirty carpet on my stairs and cayden's impressive murals on all the walls?...whatever the reason, I decorated with halloween crap to the inth degree. I wonder how much is obsessive compulsive behavior, to be incapable of a half-assed (that's your bottom, son) job when it comes to a party or an assignment. Certainly not in all things because I have an enormously full ass to prove I'm not obsessed with dieting like I should be and a perpetually messy house to prove I don't possess that skill! Anyhoo again, I WAY overcooked, doing tons of hors d ouvres, with two kinds of soup for dinner etc. So, I think to myself that people will enjoy it and be impressed and it will make me an amazing hostess to be discussed amongst the popular crowd (this same theme resinates in all my high priest blogs). However it was not to be. The first couple arrives on time and are very nice. I explain the appetizers and the husbands goes to work trying them. The wife is a tiny waif - and eats like one thing, probably wondering if there is anything WITHOUT butter or cream cheese (the veggies don't, oh wait, I brushed them with melted butter too - (not really)). It's very awkward trying to figure out what to say. The wife says she's glad she wasn't in charge this month because she wouldn't have gone to this much trouble. meaning?... We sat there making idle embarrassing chit chat for a half an hour and all I could think of was, no one else is coming and I look like such a dork for preparing enough food to feed an entire football team. I will be pathetically disussed about for years. Finally 5 more people came over a half hour late with no explanation (I wonder if dorkus told some of them seven). The rest of the people sort of look and barely pick at the food. One dork ball put barf dip on a wheat cracker? Have you never eaten barf dip? On a CRACKER for crap sake? The two single sisters who came really late ate like one carrot and starred nervously at everything else. It wasn't weird food or scary food, it was just veggies and dip - normal party dip even, not my fancy weird dip, barf dip and tortilla chips, cheese ball & crackers, raspberry chipolte & cream cheese and stuffed mushrooms. NOTHING weird! Why did no one really eat much? Everyone was really polite and complimented me, however, I finally realized, all my work made me look like a giant show off child. LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO? LOOK WHAT I DID!! LOOK LOOK!! yes sweetie you did a good job, now go clean up your mess while the grown ups talk. I had everyone sit down for a awkward conversations around the table. I get more nervous so with each funny comment, I'm horse laughing so loud I'm shattering glass. I can't think of anything to say. One of the women brought her 9 year old son, which was fine with me and Cayden was thrilled too and they played. Suddenly I realize they are upstairs in my messy upstairs (I hear tell there are people who can have their entire house cleaned at the same time) All I can think about all night is, what if the Mom goes upstairs to get him. The HORROR!. Anyway, back to my socially awkward night. How much more stupid am I? I sat by the single sisters and asked about themselves. Suddenly I'm tongue tied. So what do I say? "You should meet my sister...uhh...she's single too...she uhhh....goes to a singles ward..." Holy crap, what does THAT have to do with ANYTHING???? How stupid! It's like saying, "Wow you're fat. You should sit over there with that other fat girl, you'd have so much in common in your fatness". Then I tell one of the woman about the time her little girl, who is a sunbeam, wasn't being sort of naughty in sing time so I sat by her and put my arm around her pulling her close to my ENORMOUS BOSOM. She said, don't squish me, so I teased her and did it again and the pattern repeated, each time I pulled her close to the ENORMOUS BOSOM. She laughed politely. Why did I have to say ENORMOUS BOSOM three or four times at a high priest dinner? By then it was like, JUST GO HOME ALREADY! They all left by 9-930. Many left lots of uneaten food. Am I just a pig? Or was it gross? All I can think is that instead of being most amazing hostess, I just looked pathetic like I tried to one up them. Maybe I did want too, but it backfired. Oh well, I got LOTS of good left overs. I think I'll have some barf dip and a TORTILLA CHIP. I hope someday I'll outgrow this freakness, but I'm afraid its only going to get worse.

How do you know when Blue Cheese is Bad?

I bought a big tub of crumbled (I decided I hate that word, it goes in the "moist, crisp category..shudder) blue cheese. I used half the tub. It's been in my fridge for a a month or two. How do I know when it's bad? It looks moldy when it's brand new? How do I eat a product that I purposely buy moldy? It's a crazy world.

Everybody HATES a clown

So, my presidency and I were discussing our September primary activity. We are having a carnival which is kind of a cop out since our last activity was tons of work and we have to hurry and have another one in September, then another in December. Anyhoo, as we discussed plans, one of my counselors said she thought we should all dress up as clowns. I freaked. I said, absolutely NOT!!!! I hate clowns, I will NOT dress up as one at all! Dress me up as the naked fat lady side show ANYTHING but a clown! My counselor was very deflated and said quietly, never mind. I said she could dress up but I wouldn't. But she said no. I felt bad. Am I the only one who hates clowns? They aren't cute and fun. They are scary to me. They seem like pediphiles too. Even if they seem cute, they are annoying and really bother me. I remember watching Little House on the Prairie when some guy with a clown mask attacked this girl. It was scary. Back when Hometown Buffet first opened they used to have this stupid clown lady named bubbles or something stupid like that, wander around and do balloon creatures for the kids. I would run away when she came, hiding in the bathroom or getting more food or something. They just bother me. One time my Mom, Ryan, Hillary and I went to a spook alley thing at Thanksgiving Point about 6 years ago and they had a clever super scary theme. Clowns. All clowns. Different scary clowns through the whole thing. We were so scared we were laughing so hard my Mom wet her pants. Sorry Mom. I wet mine too, but just for fun. Mimes are horrible too. Does anyone like a mime? When I see a mime I just want to pinch their head right off. Go away scary clown.

Tom's REAL Blog

http://iistomtom.blogspot.com/. That'll learn him!

Tom's "BLOG"

Tom has made a "blog central" to link onto family blogs. Here is the link:
http://mooreblogs.byulacrossewebcasting.com/. Check back, I will be adding a link for another Tom blog..

Things on cats - copied from Montgomery Q

Ok, so I just discovered Montgomery Q's blog - too funny for words. Check it out. One of his older blogs has a story about cats (funny) and link about cats that's mighty funny - I don't know why it made me laugh. Since my family probably didn't see this I need to inform! Check it out too, and be sure to look at the archived blogs etc. http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

EEEWWWW!!!!

Did anyone watch the Oprah episode about "The Lifestyle" (swingers)? I am so sheltered. Monday as Hillary and I were driving down the freeway to the Children's Museum, we passed a motor home with a big sign in the back window. The sign read "We Live THE LIFESTYLE!" with their email address below. EEEEWWWW! I tried to get a quick look at the couple (morbid curiosity) without catching their eyes, I didn't want them to "misunderstand" eeeewwww. They were creepy looking. shudder. I'll stick to my boring "lifestyle".

Pee Wee's Back !

I am super excited! Cartoon Network, Adult Swim is going to air Pee Wee's Playhouse reruns starting Monday! I have always been such a fan, in spite of his "wardrobe malfunction" at the porno theatre. On the surface it was a show for kids, but really it was for adults. Some big stars began on Pee Wee's playhouse, like Laurence Fishbourne and Phil Hartman. It always amused me.

Ahh, how cute...not my style of post but oh well.

Cayden and I were at the church late Wednesday night while I put up new bulletin boards in the primary room. Another ward had originally put them up and I hated them. They were super busy with bright blue and flowers everywhere and you couldn't really tell the theme, yuck. With the installation of the new singles ward they were kicked out to another building (punished for their sappy bulletin board I think). Since she was really proud of her work she took it with her - good riddance. I took advantage and got permission from the remaining ward and took over the bulletin board with a tasteful look I copied from our Stake building. It is done in red (wine), black and tan and NO flowers. Why do you care about this? You don't, I just started rambling and couldn't stop. Anyhoo, my silly point is, as we were leaving Cayden called, "Bye Jesus! Goodnight Jesus! Bye Jesus!". I thought it was super sweet. Sappy as the bulletin board but cute noneleless. How did he know we were with Jesus? I guess just the pictures and possibly memories either way it's proof positive that nursery is NOT just babysitting, they are not too young to learn.

Cayden's new best friend

Cayden and I went to Albertson's and I gave him a string cheese to eat while we shopped. He took a bite then put it on the seat next to him (one of the those toddler carts with seats in the back). I picked it up and handed it back to him and he put it on the seat again in the center with the belt around it. When we got out to the car I got him out and he kept calling "cheese cheese" so I gave it to him (gross) and he said, "come on cheese let's go, let's go carseat cheese". I realized that since he forgot to bring a toy of sorts, which he usually does, he substituted "cheese" as his new friend. "cheese" even got belted in, in the cart as his toys usually are. Very interesting. Remember "Jimmy" Natalie? (Jimmy was Natalie's best friend AND the household toilet plunger (gross)). Funny she married a Jimmy.

My favorite cake I've done

I found this picture of one of my favorite cakes I've done. This cake was worthy of a blog since it took me forever to do (about a week to make all the things on the cake) and it transported well (I nearly pooped my pants worrying about it falling. Those of you who recall last years wedding cake tragedy can understand my being gun-shy about tranporting anything other than a sheet cake. This cake was done for a super good friend from UHC (Carol) - actually for her granddaughter for her 16th birthday. My poor kids don't get cake. (Shoemakers kids..yada yada).

Ray Liota Chillin'

The Color "Yellow" has many names

I was decorating a flip flop cake for a friend. It had hot pink, bright orange and yellow. Cayden loves frosting and wanted a spoon of it. I squirted some from my yellow tube on his spoon since I was done using it. He ate it and came back for more. I was now done with pink so I put pink in his spoon and he freaked, yelling "want THAT one cream! want THAT one cream" pointing to the yellow one. So I gave him a spoon of yellow (did I waste the pink? no I ate it of course). He back in a few minute and held up his spoon and said "GREG, want GREG". If you are familiar with the Wiggles you will know Greg wears the yellow shirt. Pretty smart way to make sure his stupid mom doesn't give him PINK again!

My Kids

I think one of life's amazing discoveries is finding out how much you love your kids. When I was young, I only babysat for the money and generally didn't care for the kids. I never liked playing with baby dolls, only slutty Barbies. I always sort of worried I wouldn't like my own kids when I had them. But it's amazing how with each new thing they do you love them more and more. I mean there are THOSE moments where you think of trading them in but all in all, it's amazing getting to know their little personalities and watching them grow up into adults. I never expected to have my entire life revolve around my kids. I dread the day they all leave and move on with their lives even though that's the point of raising them.

A Pregnant Pause

Oh my poor horizontally gifted body. Saturday I was at Goodwood BBQ with Tom. Tom was holding Cayden, who was asleep and heavy. He sat down next to a couple and their elderly parents (I'm assuming). The sweet little old lady saw me standing and said, "Oh dear, come sit by me, there's a spot right here!" She patted the 6 inch wide spot next to her. I hesitated for about a half a second, imagining me sitting down and ending up oozing on her frail lap like an enormous pile of bread dough. I said, "Oh I'm just fine, thank you" and pretended to read the paper at the bar. I overheard her saying to her son or son in law, "oh the poor dear doesn't have a place to sit, AND SHE'S PREGNANT! I giggled to my self hearing this, especially when the son offered no response- he knew I was pregnant with butter and cheese and not a baby!

My favorite incident was at Chin Wah restaurant a few months ago. I was in the bathroom washing my hand when the cutest little boy of about 6 came in. He shyly came up to me and whispered, "Are you going going to have a baby soon?" Not missing a beat, not wanting to embarrass him I said, "I sure am!" The little boy's face just lit up and he said, "I KNEW IT! I just KNEW it!!" Imagine his surprise at the butter cheese baby I give birth to!

Ahhh Bathwater...The Nectar of the Gods

Why do kids drink bath water? It's such a mystery. It's not JUST the bathwater, it has to be bathwater that's full of baby dirt, soap, shampoo, bubbles, whatever, as long as it's filthy bathwater. I give Cayden about 6 dixie cups when he gets in the tub and I turn on the faucet so that just a small stream comes out so he can fill his cups. Which he does. But then the cups just sit there while he slurps up the gross bathwater like hippo in dirty river. I don't get it. It must be something programmed in them to give them their immunities because so far I've read no obituaries of people dying of bathwater poisoning.

Easter - Cayden's last year to dress like a sissy

Tom says this is the last year I can put Cayden in cute "femmy" outfits for Easter. He looks SO dang cute though. But I don't want him beat up in preschool so I will comply. Hillary looks beautiful as usual.

Grocery Shopping

My favorite place to grocery shop is Harmons. I hear tell it's expensive. I don't know. I have no idea how to comparison shop, clip coupons, read ads etc. My ADD (adult onset) doesn't allow me to. This is what happens. I am reading the Sunday paper...ok I can do this...here is the Albertsons ad. They have ground beef on sale...what does Smith's have on sale...where is their ad...well here's Parade magazine. Holy crap Anna Nicoles boobs got even bigger I swear! I guess that Trim Spa diet really works. I really need to diet. I really need a diet coke. Now what was I doing? Oh yeah, getting a diet coke.

Anyway. Cayden and I were shopping at Harmons, it's his favorite also because he LOVES to drive the "car" shopping carts. While I was shopping, apparently he was shopping as well. I got to the checkstand and put my items on the conveyor belt. Then I realized he had a few items in the cab with him as well. I found a lemon, orange, goldfish crackers, sweet and sour sauce, gravy packet, a pound block of cheese and then I found...ta da! a 12 POUND PACKAGE OF GROUND BEEF. Obviously he did how own shopping by pulling items off the shelf that were at his level, but 12 pounds of ground beef? How did he lift it? How could I not notice? When I told the checker I didn't want the ground beef that my "son" had picked it up. I could hear her thoughts...uh huh.yeah right. You meant to buy the ground beef on sale at Albertsons and went to the wrong store. It was funny though.