I'm Barren!!

This woman, who looked as fertile as the Tennessee valley, could not bare children. Mine is a rocky (and empty) place where no seed could find no purchase. (adapted from Raising Arizona). Well it's done. I've officially lost my uterus. Well, I didn't actually LOOSE it, I know where it is, it's just not part of my insides any longer.

It's been a rather scary process up until now. I finally got up the courage to go the gynecologist to figure out why my iron levels are no low it's amazing i can even function (my internist was insistant). I hadn't had a pap smear in over 10 years (shut up, i know i know) because I didn't want the "holy crap you are the fattest thing i've ever seen!! get in here nurse, you gotta see this! You won't believe it! Call TLC, maybe they can do one of those "1/2 ton woman specials on her!" I exaggerate a bit. Anyhoo, none of that happened but the doctor told me i needed a hysterectomy NOW! (Although, that was after I farted on him sliding down the table to the stirrups) First, the thought of surgery was pretty scary, especially considering my heart and lung complications (thanks Phen-Fen!!). I was really worried I wouldn't live through surgery. But my iron was so low I could barely function and most of you know my stories about my monthly lady business that although hysterical, were getting tiresome. I knew it was time to deal with my heart issues and find out just where i stood, plus the gynecologist said i needed to before he would operate. I had been putting it off for years because I didn't want to know how bad it was. I had an exam, echocardiogram and finally a heart catheter. Although scary, nothing was too bad. Bottomline, my valve leakage is almost gone, but my pulmonary hypertension is a bit worse, but not by much so the surgery was a go.

Due to my insurance I went to a new gynecologist, Dr. Barney, who i absolutely love and would recommend highly. He concurred with Dr. England and the surgery was scheduled. He did a much better job of putting me at ease and explaining why, how, and proceedurally how it would happen. I had an ultrasound which revealed enormous fibroids, which made my uterus twice it's size. based on the size of my uterus, and that I've only had one tiny my baby, my uterus was way up there large and in charge and not coming out the normal way, hence it was abdominal surgery for me. The Dr told me I would have a scar and probably wouldn't want to wear a bikini any more. uh huh. a scar? ruin the perfect road map of stretch mark scars already spread from stem to stern on my belly? that's a problem! no more thong bikinis? that's another problem!! (provided i can even find the thong bikini lost somewhere in my crack-kidding). Anyway, those were not concerns for me.

Surgery day arrived (early). We went to the hospital at 6:30, checked in and proceeded to the surgery area. they weighed me (it was as bad as a thought) but the nice chain smoking nurse (I surmised due to her smell and man voice) told me my weight in kilos or whatever and wrote down my real weight on paper so tom couldn't see. I thought that was very nice of her. I got dressed in my special jumbo hospital gown with socks and a lunch lady shower cap. The anesthesiologist talked with me and i got nervous when he asked my health history questions and said, "really?" when i told him i had pulmonary hypertension. after going through the history he covered his butt by letting me know i was at extra risk due to my PH and acid reflux (hadn't thought of that either). NOW he tells me, now I really was nervous! he seemed sort of harsh and i was scared. but he wheeled me into the surgery room and i recall having a nice conversation about our college aged kids and he was super nice, just blunt. it worked, the next thing I knew, I was awake. The "patter" as natalie calls them, was there and all I remember saying was, i'm not dead, then i went back to sleep. I remember being in a long of pain and holding onto the morphine drip clicker for dear life and clicked it non stop for hours i think. i remember tossing my head back and forth moaning (I hate that word) and pushing the button thinking when will this start working. finally i remember it didn't hurt as much and i remember hillary and tom in the room and not being able to hold a conversation and saying stupid things and falling asleep and waking up and saying more stupid things. I can barely recall what tom said, but the gist of it was that the surgery took an hour longer than expected and that it was one of the worst cases the Dr had seen in his 21 years of practice. In addition to fibroids i had major bad endometriosis and my ovaries were nothing but brown cysts. they had to take everything out. because it was so bad, they had to leave part of one ovary because it was fused to my pelvis and part of my cervix because, well because of my fattness and other factors they just couldn't get to all of it without endangering other organs. Menopause. i wasn't prepared for that right now, but that's what I'm in right now. Menopause. sigh. Although there are benefits, I wish it wasn't so soon. I'm having a bit of saddness over that. But all this explains my infertility, my insides were a big mess! They had to scoop me out like a big enormous pumpkin.

My first night in the hospital was weird. I had an IV, oxygen, catheter, heart meter, these big leg boots that contract and release every few minutes (like a blood pressure cuff) to stop blood clots, wound drip, pulse meter etc. I couldn't move a muscle and was pretty miserable. I wanted to get up and move! i couldn't stand being held down and wired to everthing and the catheter SO awful. it wouldn't drain so i constantly felt like i had to pee so bad. They came in every few minutes to check this and that etc. It was awful because the speaker is in the room. so everytime an announcement is made, i would hear it in my room. It was scary because O heard "code blue! code Blue! room ..." I wonder what happened, but i forgot to ask, or didn't want to know. But the stupid intercom woke me up constantly. I could hardly speak too. my throat was so dry and sore from the tube down my throat. But I survived and in the morning all was well. They took me off everything and I got up for the first time and it was great and up hill from there. They told me I could take a shower, so I did. i didn't know I was supposed to wait until someone took me. whoops. the rest of the hospital stay was fairly pleasant. I didnt' mind it. i read trashy mags, watched tv, slept a ton and had fun visitors. The only really bad thing was that i was on a clear liquid diet. horrible. just horrible. every meal was, some gross broth. it wasn't like they strained chicken noodle soup or vegetable soup, it was like they put a bullion cube in double the amount of water. it was GROSS. watery, salty, flavorless and just plain gross. one day, i don't know what it was, it wasn't even salty, it was just orangey colored water. sickening. with the gross broth they gave me juice and tea (i hate tea) and jello. I hate jello with a passion, i refuse to eat jello. that's it. every meal. by the end of thursday i was STARVING!!!!!! so starving that I ate the jello. yes. i ate the jello. I hadn't eaten solid food since monday. i know i could live off my fat reserves for a long time but i was starving. all day thursday i read cooking magazines and drooled. i can't turn the pages any longer because they are stuck together by drool. Thursday night I got the go-ahead to eat real food. I ordered turkey w/mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry & cheese cake. i was disappointed because it tasted really funky and not amazing as i imagined. the only saving grace was that my dr allowed me to have all the diet coke i wanted even though it's technically not "clear" liquid. that was heavenly. I was hoping that i might loose weight being here. I hoped that my uterus weighed like a hundred pounds and i could say, "see! it wasn't my fault!" no luck. any weight i lost being on the liquid diet was probably gained back the minute in inhaled that first turkey meal. oh well.

One bad side effect of surgery that no one really tells you is gas. your body becomes a prison for trapped gas and it wants out and you want to let it out but for some reason, neither your body or the gas cooperate together and it just boils around causing major pain and gurggly noises. finally thursday i was able to release the gas every chance i got. I tried to time my gas releases between nurse and aide visits but unfortunately one time i wasn't lucky. I had just held a private tuba symphony when the nurse came in to look at my incision. my gas was trapped under the covers waiting for her. as soon as the covers came off, it was impossible to hide. she didn't say anything but i was mortified. In fact, on thursday my whole room just reeked! i couldn't escape the smell, it was awful. I felt like i'd set up my tent on an outhouse or right next to a yellowstone sulphur pot. One time the aid came in and checked my pee level and said, so you've had a bowel movement? I said no, i hadn't had one yet. She looked at me skeptically and said, you haven't had one? I knew she was thinking, well it smells like you did SOMETHING in here! dont' lie to me!

Well it's over and a long boring story but I felt like i wanted to chronicle my first ever surgery and hopefully my last. it was theraputic to chronicle the journey if only for me. I'm home now. I felt like it was not a bad experience really and I know I was really blessed thanks to all the fasting a prayers of everyone. I know that due to the blessings I had no complications and I'm doing really well. Thanks to everyone! I got so many flowers and visitors, cards, calls and meals, it was really nice. Tom was a sweetheart and had an amazing bed made for me while i was gone. Our friend owns a mobile home company and through his connections was able to have a bed custom made at the price of a normal bed. It is so amazing. It's so tall, i'm not used to it. it's so comfortable and i love it. he bought 800 thread count sheets and they are sooo nice. If i have to lay in bed for two weeks, this is the way to do it. It'll be hard not having our old 13 year old bed with Tom and Lisa canyons that sink practically to the floor. Cayden slept on the rim of both canyons but would sometimes topple over one side or the other. We'll miss that. we shall close that chapter in my life and move on to the next.